If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
