for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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