so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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