Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
