Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
