Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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