i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Randomize
