You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
