you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
