Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
