You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
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My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
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I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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