im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
