i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
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Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
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btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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