I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
