sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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