That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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