remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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