i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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