someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
