i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
