how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax