Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
