Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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