Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
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I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
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I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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