Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
