ya dads aren't the best wingmen
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
