I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
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the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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