for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
