I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
