my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
