never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
