I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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