i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
