We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
