i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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