I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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