Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
