Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
