I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
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My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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