just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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