I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
