Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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