I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
you never un-have a 4some
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
