you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
