I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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