So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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