We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
