Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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