I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
