my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
