At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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