she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
