Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
