First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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