You can't special order awesome
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
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So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
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Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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